Why does it all feel so hopeless?

if they're as volatile as you say and you're able to unhook yourself you could try and incite something to hopefully speedrun some sort of government violence intervention program. Ive often thought about anonymously reporting my mother and stepfather, who dismissed my brother's molesting and beating of me my whole childhood, for tax fraud cos idk if that's what they're doing but I 100% gurantee an audit would fuck their lives up at minimum. My brother I gain solace from knowing he's just like me BUT he's an ambulance driver and he just recently had his first kid so whether he makes that kid suck his cock or not he's eventually going to snap and kill/beat it and his wife and I can only pray he lives to suffer the INTERNAL consequences of being alive doing that

Trauma dumping is fun but always remember to take a step toward something even if it's something as cynical as your first e-commerce business to start learning how to make money online. (◡)

What do you normally do to pass the time?

Didn't you hear him he SAID NOTHING WORKS. Ppl need to learn how to read

you can't say that until you've tried EVERYTHING faggot

Same.
I lost my vehicle
That resulted in me losing my job.
Need my vehicle to do my job
Now I don't have money
I don't have anybody or anything.
I'm literally stuck at home all day everyday doing NOTHING.
My life is shit.
Kill me pls

Did you you read it he said NOTHING WORKS. not difficult to understand

You have the internet. Get cynical as FUCK. If this is literally your crossroads, where you decide whether you want to exchange your life for relief and knowledge or do fucking ANYTHING ELSE at the bare MINIMUM start looking into how to scam people online to build capital for a legitimate business.

Yeah, and I say he can't reasonably say that NOTHING WORKS because NOTHING implies he has tried EVERYTHING which is impossible because he hasn't tried being a millionaire yet.

More to the point, I'm calling your statement and self-defeating perspective retarded, you dumb faggot

They're not doing anything now, so I can't even rip on them for being shitty people. My mother has already showed she's sorry and is the only one making an effort to help me feel better. My father is just a cold useless son of a bitch who is terrible with emotions and acts like a psychopath and takes no responsibility for any of his behavior. There is something wrong with this selfish motherfucker cause he seriously doesn't fucking understand the consequences of any of his actions. I genuinely hope he dies, the only thing he's good for is paying the taxes and collecting disability. He provides nothing else to this family. He even said when I was a teenager that he would rather be the one everyone hates so everyone would stop fighting with each other. What a fucking useful thing to say, because you are too incompetent to know how to fix anything else. It's no wonder why all his coworkers hated him. And he always prides himself about all the thousands of people he knew in his life, which were definitely in passing. I could say the same shit.

Watch youtube or TV, and feel unfulfilled. I barely even play video games anymore.

Get cynical as FUCK.

How would that help anything?

Fun fact for doomer retards in this thread - only 60% of the world population has ever used the internet. LESS THAN HALF of India's population has ever used a COMPUTER (despite the IT stereotype). You know what that means? That means there is an EVER-INCREASING NUMBER OF RETARDS HAVING THEIR FIRST TIME ONLINE IN EVER-INCREASING NUMBERS, mostly from the 3rd world. You know what websites they're using? From what I'm seeing on my fake FB account that thinks I'm a 25 year old woman, mostly Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Telegram and other "major" platforms. You ever wonder why you retards keep setting ads that seem like they shouldn't work or hearing stories about dumb fucks falling for shit like romance scams? Statistically there's a HIGH chance it was within the first few years of the first time they joined social media.

Learn how to scam people instead of killing yourself, that's my message.

Your mother is a fantastic foothold. If she's supportive now just imagine how she'll be if you manage to find passion in something. Hold onto that connection.

And the thing is if your dad is that awful and yet your mum has been apologetic then chances are she's fully aware of how you feel about him.

I remember when I realised that my parents would be more supportive dead than alive cos id at least get a little inheritance before they spend it moving to south-east asia

"He even said when I was a teenager that he would rather be the one everyone hates so everyone would stop fighting with each other."
This kinda stood out to me tho, does he tend to make a habit of playing the martyr?

it could help your material situation which takes some weight off your shoulders to focus on other problems

you think rich people are blind to how fucked we all are?

same brotha same, I used to watch a LOT of YT (been a user since it came out, was excited to not have to download AMVs) but it's very different these days and I genuinely think something is wrong even with the New With You recommendations lately. I you used to play games have you ever thought about the reasons why you liked those games and seeing if there's some kind of community-based game that has similar appealing qualities? For perspective I used to do a lot of volunteering in the fighting game and Beyblade communities in my city at their events and got know a lot of people through that (even if I never managed to get close to them I still knew em). I found once I lost interest in games in high school that my favourite games became ones that you HAD to play in-person. Could be an angle? Sorry if the advice is unhelpful, but I feel like we may be in pretty similar situations and that I could be talking to a younger me.

the point i was trying to make was that an informal support network is as important as a professional one but im not going to assume youre in a position to afford/access a professional one

She is aware cause we've had several conversations where I talked about how much I hate him. I don't know what the hell I have left here, all I have is a shitty disorganized environment and bad memories. No one can even keep the house in good shape cause no one fucking cares, and my dad would rather live out his fantasy of living in the woods in a shitty shack made of salvage material, so he's just gonna continue letting things fall into disrepair here and tear up the bricks in the backyard and stockpile it long before he's actually ready for it to go anywhere, because it's obvious he hates his family and has no regard for us. He doesn't even realize it either, you tell him one thing and he tells you the opposite. Or he'll spit your own logic back at you like it was his idea, or he'll change his opinion about something that he was against before, and give no indication of realizing anything is different. This man's brain is fries, I seriously hope he dies young so we don't have to put up with his crap when he's even older.

This kinda stood out to me tho, does he tend to make a habit of playing the martyr?

I don't know how to answer that. If he does, he's not any good at it cause he blames everyone else for everything and always acts like the victim.

What other problems? There are no other problems.

I don't care what's happening in the world unless it's directly affecting me, it's not like I could fix any of it anyway, so there's no point in considering any of it. The most I could care about are prices in a grocery store.

just covering all bases to avoid giving opportunities to faggots who like wasting their time by one-upping people on an anonymous board, i couldn't give a fuck about the specifics of your life

I think I might be bipolar. I just wish I could actually have some fucking mania instead of being depressed all the time, then I could at least have some fun instead of going back and forth between doing relatively okay and being depressed/pissed off at where things have gone.

And about the YouTube thing, I think we're literally just witnessing the culture change throughout the years, in an era where people can put themselves out there more than ever before, so it becomes really evident. I just wish YouTube wasn't as influential as it is, cause the shit they're doing is terrible, and they're trying to act way too PG and demonetize you for swearing (while advertising actual porn on the same video you make no profit from cause you mentioned the letter Q). Seriously, I really hope the shit they're doing doesn't get normalized. But if YouTube is your life, everything seems like this, even though it's not.

A professional support network hasn't been able to make my environment or the shitty people I live with better. We can't even get family therapy cause insurance is acting like they don't want to pay for it, and we still haven't heard back from them.

The house becoming bad enough to be condemned by the state is a scenario in which, if you get ahead of, you can contribute to the acceleration of which may help at least get the winds of change blowing.

I always compare situations like ours to Chris-Chan; if he were more proactive in taking responsibility for his situation, what could he have realistically have done if he was truly at that crossroads of death or literally anything the fuck else

I totally understand the "brain is fries" comment because I have word-for-word described my father in the exact same way. I'd have rather been an orphan, at least then I'd have lerned self-reliance. When you assess an intellectual disability you asses 3 domains: social, practical and conceptual. My dad and uncles are +++conceptual and ---social ---practical. If computers were never invented our bloodline would not have survived the 90s. These are men that should not reasonably be alive but by virtue of them high-rolling their birth-timing they're born in an era where they can earn absurd amounts of money explaining to dumb fucks what a zip file is cos the boss just forced them all onto computers for the first time and theyve never had to actually work to thrive let alone think about what it's like to survive.

I dont know if it helps but try reading into Human Domestication Theory, it might at least give you some clarity around your situation

As someone who has been actively engaged with counsellors and private therapy for 6 years straight I feel like family therapy would just want to make me kill myself more ngl

The house is nowhere near bad enough to be condemned. It's not even dirty on the inside, just disorganized. One of my friend's parents was even surprised to learn that we had cats, and said I was the first person she knew that didn't have the "cat smell" lingering on my person. It should probably be surprising, but I don't know, it's an enigma apparently. But seriously, I fucking hate when you go to some people's house and you just touch anything and it leaves your hands feeling grimy, and the whole inside of their house is like this. Seriously, the outside is cleaner than the inside of some people's houses, I don't know how anyone could put up with that shit.

Also lol, I meant to write his "brain is fried".

I have a diagnosis of Borderline, ADHD and the L2 tism but after enough reading I think I'm starting to understand a bit more what people mean when they say "none of it is real". If you DO think it's Bipolar please find a way to get properly assessed and medicated for your own safety and please don't give up on medication (and if you REALLY need to go private and dont pay the bill, there is no debtors prison) and what are they gonna financially shake down someone who they treated for suicidality? C'mon, they're pill-pushing monsters but they have standards.

Thing is I think you're right to the extent that it's the illusion that the mainstream internet wants to sell us on. You might not remember but most of the major platforms were purchased by 1 of a small handful of known-colluding major holding corporations and subsequently marketed heavily to normies through mainstream media channels sometime around the 2010s. THe "evolution of culture" on the mainstream internet platforms is mostly artificial and these days more than ever since everything is profit-motivated and algorithm-directed. Micro-targeted marketing is getting to the point of absurdity (i saw an ad the other day that targeted the highly specific market of "therapists who are frustrated and not having any breakthroughs with clients" and no one else. How can an ad like that be logical to make unless the marketing algorithm could be even halfway that specific?)

Something you might find is an interesting change of pace even just as a small distraction is deleting your entire Youtube watch history and seeing what happens to your recommendations (if you haven't tried it)

I mostly just want family therapy so I could get my dad to realize how shitty of a person he is. Because only when we're in the presence of another person who doesn't live with us is when he starts acting like a reasonable human being and actually remembers he has fucking manners and listens. I'm so fucking annoyed by his behavior, why the fuck does he change so much? You can't fucking get anything done with this asshole. I hope he looses all of his friends and gets killed in a barfight, end even then he still probably won't realize the consequences of any of his actions. He's such a useless fucking person and I hate that he exists.

I'm like the only one advocating for it.

So the cat piss is an actual health and safety hazard esp cos of the mould, see if there are any laws they're breaking by willingly allowing that state of affairs and at worst you might get a state-sponsored biohazard clean.

I'm not normally one to brag but grandma dragged her shit through the hallway 2 weeks ago and the stain never came out so I feel you on the "not condemnable, just cooked" scenario. Time solves all problems one way or another, brotha.

Also yea I guessed <3

oh i misread i thought you said there was cat piss everywhere my bad see what my genetics do to my brain lol

I your dad is the type of person you're suggesting he is then my guess is that he never will realise that because he fundamentally believes he did nothing wrong. The mental gymnastics these people do are core to their being and likely part of their childhood conditioning. Was/Is he religious?

The little changes of pace hasn't done anything for me, I need to get the fuck out of here. After I got released from inpatient treatment and residential, I immediately hated going back home within the first hour. I think most of the medicine they gave me only caused bad reactions. I'm not taking anything now, cause I kept missing appointments and I just didn't bother to continue making any, and it was getting expensive. I'm pretty sure they still haven't gotten any diagnosis right cause I've shown no improvement. I've never even taken mood stabilizers and haven't even gotten to throw around the idea of bipolar with my psychiatrist yet. Instead, they just thought I had ADHD, depression, and Autisim, and they diagnosed me with the latter as an adult, and with the amount of shit I've seen I have no confidence in that diagnosis at all. I think Bipolar 2 matches better, and apparently it's notoriously hard to diagnose. And I also found out that antidepressants without mood stabilizers results in a worsening condition, which seems accurate, so go figure...

So the cat piss is an actual health and safety hazard esp cos of the mould, see if there are any laws they're breaking by willingly allowing that state of affairs and at worst you might get a state-sponsored biohazard clean.

I never said my house is like this, I said the opposite and then ranted about other people's houses. (I helped out at an estate sale recently, and their entire house was grimy on the inside, so it was still fresh in my memory.) My house is disorganized, but still somehow clean and not grimy anywhere, and all the cats use the litterbox as intended, and we only have 3 cats.

He's not really religious. He's just the most cynical person I've ever met, and a psychopath who takes no responsibility. I don't know what to call that.

I just saw your reply, I should've read them all before typing. :/

the point of the small changes of pace are to make the large change of pace that comes with getting the fuck out of there easier to deal with, that's the faggot in you talking

it's interesting because we have very similar diagnoses and I've often suspected I might have a misdiagnosis for bipolar but now that ive really given tackling life by the horns a fair shake from the place that I'm at and gone as far as even working in the federal child support department I'm back on some dumb med again after being through the med circus for the last 8 years. It'll be difficult to convince psychiatrists you have biploar, especially public psychiatrists, as for them bipolar presentations are commonly more... dramatic to say the least. Who knows? Maybe you eventually find out that Lithium is your wonder drug and you just needed a script and a yearly round of TMS but what sucks ASS about the system no matter where you are is they make you spread your cheeks wide and give you a full financial-rectal goatse enema first.

you're all g fren it's all love

you know, if he is truly like that he may actually respect you for being so honest with him if you try and respectfully talk to him man-to-man not about how much you hate him, but how beneficial for everyone it would be if he could help you find a way to move out no matter how unethical or immoral. People like that often have hubris-based weaknesses just like in movies cos, usually, they think they're the stars of one in some fucked up way shape or form depending on their accountability-dodging framework

Every time we have a conversation like that, he can't stick with anything he says he'll do. Whether it's do to bad memory or laziness, I don't know, but there are no results from this mad. I wouldn't be so hard on him if he just had some fucking humility.

Oh man you sound like you could be a relative of mine, if only this wasn't fucking Anon Babble we could start a business or something.

Maybe look into indie game self-publishing? You don't need to be Toby Fox and even though Pirate Software is gay pussy who eats shit all of his content related to self-publishing is legitimately good.

mad

*man

Get a fucking life.

I'm trying to, faggot. I'd like to see you try dealing with mental health bullshit like this. No matter what I do, I just feel so goddamn weighed down, I can't fucking think and I can't fucking do anything. No matter how much I pretend it's not real, I just can't fucking make it go away. Nothing makes any goddamn sense!

You're very depressed. Have you ever actually looked at the cause of it? The thoughts you have that cause this depression and tremendous suffering? Cause it's the thoughts you/your mind creates, isn't it? It's thoughts of expectations on yourself, life and others that make you suffer, isn't it? You want things to be/stay a certain way (expectations, continuity of what has been comfortable/your preferences) and because life changes constantly you're in constant conflict. Is that it? So if that's the case, will you keep expecting anything out of life and thus continue suffering, or will you see that these exact thoughts are making you suffer and stop it immediately, cause you're harming yourself?

will you keep expecting anything out of life

No.

or will you see that these exact thoughts are making you suffer and stop it immediately

And then what? Not thinking about it hasn't brought my motivation back.

You have depression. Talk to a doctor.

It sounds to me like you're telling yourself that you have to things/keep yourself busy, that you have to have motivation. Is that right? If that's the case then there is the problem your creating for yourself; telling yourself you need to be motivated to do something. Motivation comes and goes, you can't force it; trying to force it will just cause you pain. Go along life. Do whatever you feel like doing at the moment (or don't do anything), even if it's something very simple. Later on the motivation for the things that used to interest you might come back, or they might not and other interests may develop.